Confession #17: I am blessed to be stressed.

I've been back at school for almost three weeks now, and I've already experienced the "ups and downs" of Fall 2012 all over again. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be stress. I've just been stressed -- overwhelmed by all aspects of moving back here, getting readjusted in a new apartment, figuring out work and transportation schedules, meeting new professors, making art for a new audience. Though I've lived here for nine months before, it all feels so new. And I've never been too good with new.

By now, we all know that I have a delicate heart. I've mentioned that detail of my make-up in basically every blog I've posted on the site, so there's no reason to get into that explanation again. But I have noticed one key difference lately in the way my heart handles pressure and deadlines and other people's expectations.

It seems as though the span of time that occurs before I shut down completely and am too overwhelmed to function has gotten shorter...which scares me a bit, considering how tender-hearted I've always been and how that part of me really shouldn't become more sensitive. But for some reason, since August 14, I've noticed a lack of stamina in that area. A lack of an ability to work through stress in my mind and balance more than one responsibility at a time. A lack of trust in the Lord's guidance, my own strengths, and an understanding of the love that comes from those closest to me.

Now that I've become more independent, the responsibilities of adulthood have really kicked in. I'm in 12 credit hours, I work 20+ hours a week, I'm heavily involved in our college ministry, I volunteer for an after-school program for inner-city children, I serve with the church's preschool ministry for Sunday service, I sell handmade art at a consignment store on campus, I have some sort of a social life and I enjoy whatever sleep I can get. It may not sound like much to some people, but I spent my summer enjoying time with Texas friends and starting up a small business. My schedule was 100% flexible and I had more lazy days than I can count.

That laid-back schedule disappeared the day I returned to the Midwest. The chaotic life I'd left behind in May resumed again, and I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for it. 

When the mountain of emotion began to block my view of any future serenity, I broke down. Like any college student, I called my mom and cried. I cried like a baby for two hours. I was only two weeks in, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle the seven hour shifts or the numerous class deadlines or the pile of blank canvases or the busy schedule of Veritas socials or the demands of a classroom of 30 four-year-olds or anything else.

I was stressed too heavily, stretched too thin. I was unable to handle the changes on my own, and I needed God to let me breathe, even if just for a minute. I remember legitimately asking God, "Why am I so stressed? Why do I have to do all of this stuff? Why do I have so many responsibilities? Why me?"

I'm going to go ahead and admit to something important here: I am a wallower. I wallow in self pity on a regular basis. I get down about various things and feel bad for myself and sit in that sadness for far too long. I complain and run my mouth instead of actually making an effort to turn things around and take a step forward. I've tried to become an optimistic person, but more often than not, the pessimism wins out and I'm left feeling broken and alone.

Typically, in times of wallowing, I attempt to drown out my own thoughts with music. That oh-so-hipster-indie-pop-mellow-sad vibe usually does the trick, but recently I've been looking to tracks that are more upbeat.

Sara Bareilles is one of my favorite musical artists of all time, mainly due to the fact that she understands a heart like mine and writes poetry that is relateable. Her newest song, Brave, has a lyric that really struck a chord with me when I heard it for the first time.

"Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do when they settle beneath your skin.
Kept on the inside, no sunlight -- sometimes the shadow wins."

Words are a unique form of weaponry. Sometimes -- actually, all of the time -- my own thoughts hurt more than the words of others. I'm surrounded by friends who love me and comfort me and support my art, my passions, and my faith. But, despite all of the humbling praise that is given, I tend to live off of this ridiculous pile of doubt I've stashed away in the back of my mind since middle school. Doubt that such love isn't real, isn't authentic, isn't deserved, isn't lasting. The pile has grown into a mountain by now, with every self-doubt I've ever felt rearing its ugly head in my times of weakness. Words that have never actually been spoken, but have a wicked power just the same.

During the heart-to-heart phone call with my mama, I was given some stellar advice (as usual -- don't you just love how moms can do that?). She explained that all of the stress was good stress. She began to list off every worry and complaint that I had expressed over the phone, negating each point with a blessing from God that caused such busyness.

The seven hour shifts come from dedication to teamwork and a desire to lead.

The class deadlines come from hard work in high school that has allowed me to skip basic courses.

The pile of blank canvases come from the encouragement of so many people who support my passion.

The busy schedule of Veritas socials comes from a community of believers whose outpouring of love is unmatched.

The demands of a classroom of 30 four-year-olds come from a maternal heart and an affinity for children's ministry.

Every stress, every time commitment, every pressure point is some sort of manifestation of God's blessings in my life. He gave me a job at Baja Grill. He gave me the opportunity to attend this university. He gave me a steady hand and a passion for art. He gave me a home church filled with amazing people. He gave me a passion for motherhood. He blessed me with opportunities that are incredibly demanding, but also rewarding.

I am able to shine my light through the stress. God doesn't give gifts and talents and experiences to cause sadness, or make us overwhelmed, or create doubt. He gives us blessing upon blessing upon blessing out of love. We're talking about a man who gave His only son so that you could be forgiven. That's a love that I can't even begin to understand. But I trust in that love because it is unmatched by anything else, and it has afforded me so many things I would never have deserved in the first place.

I know that life can be hard. Trust me. I get that. I've been there, I've done it all, I have the book. I've probably painted a canvas about it. But hard times of stress and demanding schedules do not justify ungratefulness or a sense of inadequacy. God never gives you more than you can handle. You may not believe that you can succeed and flourish under His blessings, but you can. And you will.

I can, and I will.

Thank you, Father, for stressing blessing me. I promise to work as hard as I can to make You proud.