Confession #7: I need you to need me.

All in all, things have gotten significantly better since I last blogged. Mizzou has started to feel like home. I've made even more wonderful friends who are amazing, Godly role models to me every day, and I've created so many memories that I will never forget. College really is some of the best years of your life -- but they're also the toughest.

In the midst of all of the joy that has surrounded me in the past few weeks, I of course continue to struggle with issues that have surfaced in my mind. Today I came to a heavy -- and somewhat distressing -- realization: I rely solely on acceptance and validation from others to define my beauty, worth, and purpose. This idea isn't new to me, as I've dealt with it since middle school as most adolescents do. But the feeling has yet to wear off and lately it's become a serious problem in the way that I build relationships with new friends.

It's no secret that I love the idea of marriage and motherhood. I've blogged about it before, so that's available as a reference. But lately the idea has been present in nearly all of my thoughts -- considering girl friendships in relation to bridesmaids, considering location in relation to where my future home will be, considering boy friendships in relation to possible husbands, everything. It gets in the way of every detail of my life and I'm really sick of the worrying. The nagging, the constant feelings of inadequacy and unimportance that stir within me when one of my beautiful blonde friends gets male attention for the umpteenth time, the worry that my haircut makes me loose any femininity I may have, the idea that I would be prettier if I was just a little bit thinner and an inch or two shorter, the burden that my personality has yet to grow and develop since seventh grade and I still come off as a hateful, spiteful person, the dismay that comes with feeling like I am not good enough. I am continually plagued with the fear that I will never receive the validation, love, and comfort I so desperately desire from other people.

Tonight, as I walked around my room and cleaned up a bit after dinner, I laid this burden down on the Lord. I cried and sobbed and spoke to him for a solid 30 minutes, confessing my fears and weaknesses and struggles. I had a revealing heart-to-heart with the one man who can help set me straight -- the one man that will love me unconditionally, faithfully, unfailingly, eternally. The one man who will never once let me down.

Honestly, I don't have many moments like that -- moments where I completely and whole-heartedly open my soul to the Lord and pour out to Him. Moments where I don't attempt to hide behind my hard-shell exterior in an effort to come off unbroken and unwavering. Moments where I allow the Lord to stir my heart for Him and no one else.

The Bible is full of verses that explain God's love for us, but there are three key points outlined in the books of Psalm, Matthew, and Galatians that provide me with the first steps in dealing with my struggle to understand that the only person in this world who will ever be able to fill my heart with a sense of completion and purpose is the Lord.

1. My creation was thought out in such a marvelous manner that I will never truly understand the depth of love my God has for me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:13-16

2. God does not care for the material possessions of this world, for we are not of this world.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

3. The favor of God far outweighs the favor of man -- and it is impossible to devote myself to both whole-heartedly.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
- Galatians 1:10

The abilities of our God are unfathomable. If we reflect on the power He has in this world, how can we doubt the power He has in us? Trust in Him and we will find freedom. I must trust in Him to find my freedom.

After I wiped my tears, cleaned my glasses, and resumed homework on my computer, I felt a sense of peace. I opened Spotify and clicked on my "Jesus" playlist, as I often do in times of weakness and emotional vulnerability. Kari Jobe sang words into my mind that calmed my soul and reassured me that the Lord holds every answer I crave. Every validation I desire. Every acceptance I need. Every confirmation I could ever imagine.

Trouble's chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God, I'm looking for You

Weary, just won't let me rest

Fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God, I'm longing for You

I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith?

And what if heartache still remains?

I'll trust You

My God, I'll trust You

'Cause You are faithful

And I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaking

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God, I know that

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

Find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

If I want others to love me, I must first acknowledge that my Father loves me.

And His love is all that I need.

Confession #6: Darkness is deception.

Two months later and I'm finally back. So much has happened since I blogged last, but I'll try to cover the basics in this post. I've moved to Missouri, made wonderful friends, taken my first round of college exams, had my heart broken, cried myself to sleep, invented a fake fraternity, sprained my thumb, joined a youth group, had two paychecks, and learned an immense amount about myself.

First off, and most importantly, let's get one thing straight:

Moving out is the best and worst experience of my life thus far.

On August 1st, I was so ready to get out of Texas. To get away from home, to start a new life, to take a step in the direction of my future. All I could focus on was Mizzou, freedom, and a new beginning. Looking back on it, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. I am one of the biggest adversaries to the idea of change. Ask anyone that knows me -- I don't like change. I never have and I don't know if I ever will. I prefer to keep in a routine, to stay where I'm familiar, to remain comfortable in a setting that I have grown accustomed to. Knowing that about myself, I don't understand why I was so ready to leave. Why I didn't realize that once I got here, I would be surrounded by change in every form imaginable; wardrobe, diet, housing, friends, family, elevation, distance, trends, ethnicities, weather, schedule -- you name it, it changed. I was too busy focusing on the excitement of moving here to realize that all of the change would be undoubtedly overwhelming and extremely difficult for me to handle. And it has proven to be just that over the past two months.

I miss home. I miss having a place to call my own, being surrounded by people that know me -- REALLY know me. No one here knows me like my best friends from home do. And I know that's it's been only two months and there hasn't been time to develop that kind of relationship yet, but I guess I assumed that I would move to Missouri and instantly feel this warm sense of belonging that would stick with me for the next four years. But that's not at all what I've found. I've found a cold sense of isolation that haunts me some days. Don't get me wrong; I have many, many great days here. Days where I laugh until I cry, days where I bond with my floor mates, days where you couldn't wipe the smile off of my face no matter how hard you tried. But those days have begun to be outnumbered by darker days. Days full of tears, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and uncertainty. Is Mizzou right for me? Is there a reason for me being here? Am I wasting money attending an expensive school 500+ miles away from home? Is journalism my true calling? What am I doing with my life?

Throughout high school, I struggled with the idea of purpose. I fought my way up the chain of the Richland High School marching band to get a leadership spot my senior year. But freshman through junior year, I was just one of 250 other members. I didn't lead. I wasn't in other organizations. I didn't play sports. I was an average high school student whose life revolved around academics and band rehearsal. Senior year, I was given the title of drum captain and pit captain and I was elated to finally feel needed. I planned and organized numerous details, watched over the 45 members of the percussion cluster, and worked my tail off to make our section the best it could be. Now that I'm out of high school, now that my position has been given to someone else, now that I no longer serve a purpose to a large community of people, I have lost my sense of belonging. Here at Mizzou, I'm not in any organizations. I don't lead anything. I don't play a crucial role in any sort of student function. That privilege was something I cherished last year and I miss it dearly. I miss belonging to someone, to a group, and feeling needed. I know that as a freshman in college there aren't many opportunities to lead right off the bat -- heck, I haven't even joined any organizations yet. I realize that you can't expect to feel purposeful if you don't put yourself in the situation to obtain said purpose. I guess I'm just scared to put myself out there; honestly, I want the reward without the work. That's my laziness kicking in and I fully understand that the fault lies on me. There are just so many things to focus on here that I have yet to find my perfect balance. I hope that I do soon.

Every day, I'm bombarded with an emotional wave of gratefulness and guilt, of belonging and loneliness and fortune and struggle. So many mixed feelings that don't make sense in my head. And the only way they ever come out is in frustration and sadness. I appreciate the good days more now that they're less frequent. I have made wonderful friends here who love me and care for me, and I will never regret knowing any of them. I have made priceless memories here with my floor mates; deltaGAF, getting "chose," community standards, everything with an "h." Nights of laughter and smiles and good times. Those are the times that I cherish. Contrastly, the days where I think of home every minute are much more dramatic, very dark and very emotional. I miss my home. My real home. Mizzou isn't my home -- at least not yet.

I went on Fall Retreat last weekend with a youth group that meets at Mizzou called Veritas. It runs through The Crossing church, which is where I attend service on Sunday mornings. We had a series of sermons on struggles, friendship, and a desire to feel "wanted" -- each of which I have battled with at some point since I moved here. The entire retreat was a wake up call to me, but I've failed to keep the lessons I learned on my mind throughout the week. The teachings really hit home and I felt renewed when we came back to campus Sunday afternoon. I really did get the sense that God put me on that Retreat with all of those wonderful, Christ-loving people for a reason. I actually felt at home while we were away; the youth group was welcoming and vulnerable and allowed me to be myself despite my lack of familiarity with the majority of the people there. Veritas is a wonderful blessing that I have found here at Mizzou. It's one of my most prized possessions and I have met numerous inspirational people through it, including Leisha, Bethany, and Laura. I love them so much already and am so excited for where the opportunities that I have found through Veritas and the Crossing allow me to go in the future.

At retreat, there was a sermon on struggle and how the Lord uses the obstacles we overcome in our lives to glorify Him and spread the Word of the Kingdom to others. What if the struggles I'm encountering now are meant to help me help someone else gain strength sometime down the road? What if my main purpose here, on campus at Mizzou, with the friends I've made and the people I've encountered, is to spread a sense of hope? That light DOES come, joy DOES prevail, darkness DOES NOT win? Despite it all, I know that I am strong. I know that I can do this. I know that things will get better, regardless of how dark it may seem right now. I often fail to realize that God is there with me through my struggle. Every second of every minute of every day. That is one of my biggest struggles in itself -- feeling alone at times that I'm really surrounded by an unfailing, everlasting love. Psalm 30:5 tells us: "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." No matter how dark the nights get, the mornings are joyful and new. I fail to recognize that God's love is everlasting, never-ceasing, and omnipresent. HE is always there. HE is always loving. HE is always watching over me. I am never truly alone -- I am only deceived into believing so. Deep down, I know that there is a purpose for me being here. The journey to earn a spot here at Mizzou was a tough one but God prevailed and here I am. Here I am for a reason. Though it may be unknown to me right now, the reason will reveal itself eventually. I just have to be patient.

The other night was an emotional one, and my good friend from home posted this song on my Facebook page to remind me of the support I have. Thank you, Blane, for reminding me that the future is bright despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I know that I will be home soon.

Confession #5: Love is all you need.

First off, I want to apologize for my lack of blogging lately. I meant to blog the last two weekends and I kept forgetting or putting it off because I felt uninspired. Frankly, I don't write well when I just sit and make myself do it. It's always best if I'm sparked with an idea, a passion, a memory -- something to build on and indulge myself in. Today I felt the spark and now I'm here, writing this post for all of you.

Over the past few weeks -- well, to be honest, over the past year or so -- I have been burdened by the idea of love. There are so many forms of love in this world, and as a teenage girl going through her senior year in high school, I was forced to think about my future. College. Relationships. Careers. Marriage. Children. The love I will soon find for a boy (well, hopefully a man). The love I will soon build for a child. So much coming at me so fast. This whole "growing up" thing is starting to catch up to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of finding my prince charming. Disney movies and fairy tale books set me up with the image of a perfect man, a soulmate, a human built for me, to fit perfectly in all of the spaces that I lack substance, to make up for my faults and love me for my weaknesses. But now, as an 18 year old young woman, I think more and more about meeting the one.

Quick pause here - - I will attempt to keep this blog on track with the religious message I'm aiming to eventually get to, but I am full of teen angst and if it rears its head at some point, I apologize in advance.

Moving on.

So let's get real for a minute. My so-called love life has been anything but lovely. Over the past 18 years, I have had two or three serious crushes and only one that actually went somewhere. We never dated officially and the flame was blown out after about three months. That was the fall of 2009. Not much has happened since. Because of this, you could say that I desperately lack in the experience portion of your "teen years" but that is definitely something I am not ashamed of. I'm not sure if I have stated this before in a previous post, but I pledged to be abstinent until marriage a long time ago and plan to remain pure until I am starting a family with the man I love. The Bible tells us in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immortality." There are many other references in the Bible that ward us away from this sin, yet much of today's youth engages in pre-marital sex on a regular basis. In Romans 12:2, the Bible warns us, "Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." In today's society, sex is a social activity practiced by kids who have barely even hit puberty. By the time most people are in there twenties, they've had numerous partners. Although I do base my belief in abstinence on the Bible, I would still promote the same ideas without religion. Sex is an intense experience that is meant to be shared between a man and a wife once they are fully, 100%, without-a-doubt committed to each other in the bind of marriage. That being said, ideas like that can't be followed through without a belief in marriage as permanent and everlasting -- no divorce. But let's not get me started on a tangent; the divorce topic could be an entirely different post but I won't get into that now. The point is, having pre-marital sex is something I hold no interest in. Females are passionate creatures and I know for a fact that if I were to go against my vow, I would end up getting hurt and regret my decisions later. It is no secret to any of my friends that I am an emotional person - I wear my heart on my sleeve 24/7. This vulnerability is often a blessing but it's hard to deal with as I step out of teenage-dom and into adulthood.

Despite my stance on abstinence, I crave admiration. I am a complete sucker for sweet southern boys and their irresistible charm. It causes me immense heart ache at times, but I can't help it. Every day I find myself hungry for love. For companionship. For friendship. I feed off of affection from other people, whether it be friendly, spiritual, or romantic. I can't hide it; I'm in love with love. I see nothing more important than reminding those around you how much you truly appreciate them. How much you love and cherish their companionship. I adore being cherished and it is a blessing that I attempt to give to other people on a daily basis. I'm that girl that hugs often, greets you with excitement every time I see you, yells your name as if we've reunited after decades, and continually says "I love you." It's one of my phrases and I tend to use it more than I mean to. I put my whole heart into every relationship I have. The only problem with doing so comes when the action is not returned. I give my all and receive less than enough, tugging at my emotions and leaving me in a wreck of confusion. At this point, I'm fearful of putting myself out there for other people to take advantage of. Nevertheless, I believe in love, passion, emotion, joy, and excitement. These are values that I hope to find in a husband down the road and instill in my family for generations to come. Of course, 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind. One of my favorite chapters of the Bible. It's verses like these that give me hope for the future.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 states: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Look at that. Read it. Soak it in. Look at all of the things that love always is. Look at all of the characteristics love always entails -- forgiveness, patience, selflessness, kindness, fairness, and faithfulness. One little four letter word has so much power. If we allow it to, love can bless us.

Backing up to the beginning of the chapter, verses 1-3 boast of the importance of love: "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing."

This verse displays one of the fundamentals points in my philosophy of life. Despite intelligence, understanding, and philanthropy, we are NOTHING without the commitment of love. Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as He has loved us -- a love that is so out of this world in magnitude and strength. If we go through life failing to recognize love, what have we accomplished? Nothing. One of the most well-known Bible verses, John 3:16, tells us "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." God set the example and we are designed follow it. This ideal is also seen in marriage, as we are told to lay down our lives for our spouse. Unconditionally. For better or for worse. For sicker or for poorer. Whatever this world throws at us, God is there every step of the way to guide our path. Whatever this world throws at my husband, I will be there to walk alongside him, and I can only pray that he will do the same.

Confession #4: To fear the Lord is fearless.

Lately I've been pondering the idea of "fearing the Lord" -- what it truly means and why we are called to live in this fear. When you're a young child, whether in the physical sense or in terms of your spiritual journey, it seems daunting. The Bible repeatedly tells of us God's power and control as we are warned to fear Him. Leviticus 25:17 warns us, "Do not take advantage of each other, but fear your God. I am the Lord your God." We are reminded again and again that the Lord is our God, the One through whom all blessings flow. Although I've learned about this idea since I was in elementary school, it still baffles me on a daily basis. When I think of the power of God, I am amazed and in awe at His ability to guide a world like this through the darkness. My first instinct is not to fear the Lord but instead see Him as a companion in my corner. I am slowly starting to realize that these two ideas do not contradict each other but instead work together, as the Bible tells us, for our good. In Deuteronomy 5:29 the Lord says to Moses, "Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!" That verse taught me something tonight: we are called to fear the Lord in order to bestow blessings on our lives. And not just the lives of our friends and family, but our own children -- and their children -- and our children's children -- and every generation to come. What we do right now, on July 16, 2012, will affect those who live to see July 16, 2500. It may be hard to grasp that concept, but it's an honest philosophy that is promoted throughout the Lord's word. Instead of seeing God's command to fear Him as a boastful threat to our own safety, we must begin to understand His plan for our lives as we are led down a winding path of trials and tribulations in order to come out victorious. The Lord is with us every day -- after all, this is the day that the Lord has made. And although everything doesn't always work out for our good in every moment, it eventually does. That is a validation of the power He has over our lives. This sense of control is designed to comfort us into a sense of hope for the future, not terrorize us over the trials of today. Both Deuteronomy 10:20 and Joshua 24:14 remind us to fear the Lord and serve Him. These ideas go hand in hand; in order to fully serve the Lord our God with everything we have in everything we do, we must fear Him. Without fear, we cannot serve. Without the Lord, we cannot live.

As I learned more about fearing the Lord, I was brought to Proverbs 31. This is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible as it teaches us about The Wife of Noble Character.

Proverbs 31:10-31 states:

A wife of noble character who can find? 
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value. 
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands. 
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy. 
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

As I transition from the life of a high school teenage girl to a collegiate young woman, I know that I will struggle to keep God on my mind at every moment, as I should. After all, college is deemed the temptation of all temptations. Over the past 18 years, I have managed to avoid the evil temptations that loom over the youth of this generation. I have never tasted alcohol, been offered a drug, or indulged in lust. Though some times have been more challenging than others, I have surrounded myself with a core group of friends who love the Lord and help me to remain abstinent and pure. I know that college will be a culture shock. Alcohol everywhere. Parties every day. Offer after offer. Temptation after temptation. But I also know the strength that I have and my ability to stand up to such influences. I've pledged to myself and the Lord to spend the next four years of my life prepping for my role as a wife -- hopefully one of noble character. Proverbs 31 serves as my outline, a pseudo checklist of tasks and preparations to be made before anyone puts a ring on it. When I read it, I realize that I have a whole heck of a lot to work on if I want to live the life that God has called me to live. And of course I do. I want nothing more than to become a wonderful spouse to a Godly man who aids me in raising our sweet children - Tobin, Ely, Lillia, and Haylin. Sure, a passion-filled career and steady paycheck wouldn't hurt. But all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I find those roles to be the most beautiful yet testing experiences a woman will ever have. To stick with someone through thick and then, 'til death do us part. To teach an innocent being how to live in this not so innocent world before they are legally released to teach themselves. To age gracefully, to grow in the Lord, to be of noble character. So much beauty in the opportunities of a woman.

My favorite part of this chapter lies in verse 25, as God depicts a wife "clothed with strength and dignity." Clothed. The diction used in this passage strikes a chord with me. In contrast to Ephesians 6 where we are called to "put on the armor of God" in order to fight against the devil, Proverbs describes a wife clothed with dignity and strength. The connotation of the word paints such a beautiful and delicate picture in my mind. A woman so graceful, so poised, with a soul so brightly illuminating the love of the Lord that everyone around her can see it. But her garments are not stiff like armor. They do not intimidate or scare away those who walk past her. Instead she remains approachable. Gentle. Motherly. In my life, I have attempted to remain strong and dignified in every situation. But that sense of toughness often manifests itself into anger and hostility. I walk through life nearly every day with a shell of rigorous, temperamental armor on my chest. Durable, yes, but not sensible. Not comfortable. Not comforting. Not inviting. Not invoking. Sure, it comes in handy when dealing with the trickery of satan and his temptations, but there is no need for harshness like that when dealing with my brothers and sisters in the faith who are on my side. It often creates a wall that pushes others away and masks me as unapproachable. But not anymore. I'm ready to trade in my armor for a robe of strength and dignity. A magnificent, beautiful gown that draws the attention of those around me in order to lead them to the Lord and exemplify the numerous blessings He bestows on my life.

I want to challenge you today. I challenge you to fear the Lord. To cling to Him in times of trouble. To kneel at His feet and lay down your burden. I challenge you to live the life of a Proverbs 31 woman -- or man. To be a wife of noble character and walk with the Lord as a spouse and parent. To find a wife of noble character and cherish her until you take your last breath.

From this day forward, I pledge to put in the effort necessary to follow the guidelines set before me in the Lord's book. And I hope that you will do the same.

Confession #3: I am called.

I went to Bible Study today with my closest friends, as I do every Sunday evening, but for some reason tonight felt different. There were about five more of us than usual which created much more discussion, and we ended up stretching the conversation about an hour longer than every other Sunday. I really enjoyed tonight's talk over John 12. We've been going through the book of John for the past couple of months now and I've liked it, but I connected more with this chapter than than the previous 11.


When we got to the fourth section of John 12, Nikky got onto the topic of serving the Lord and doing what He has called us to do. All of us graduated high school in May and are headed off to college in the fall, so that idea struck a heavier chord with us than some of the other ideas presented. Every single teenage brain in that room was spinning with the details of moving away and college majors and career choices and the future and destiny and decisions and independence and growing up. My wheels were turning incredibly fast as I tried to process all of the change that is about to happen in my life exactly five weeks from today -- my last day as a resident of North Richland Hills. I am one of the only two people in my "friend group" that are leaving the state to continue school. The other is going to Florida while I am headed to Missouri. Everyone else is staying here, in the Lonestar State, and although they will be away from home in the sense of living apart from their parents and enduring a sort of "road trip" to come home, they will still be home. In this state, with these traditions and laws and influences. Whether they're going to A&M, UT, Austin College, Texas Tech, or Rice, they are just a few hours away from their families and everything they've known for the past 18 years. Come August 12, I will be a resident of Missouri. With new traditions and laws and influences. New people, new surroundings. 11 hours away from everything I've known for the past 18 years. As excited and anxious I am to get started, I am dreadfully nervous to take on the responsibility of determining my future on my own.

In John 12:26, Jesus tells us "If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." Jesus calls us to serve Him in every aspect of our lives, every day. I do my best to follow His ways but as August gets closer and closer, I often wonder if what I am about to do is what I am called to do -- what I am destined to do by the will of my Father. On a nearly daily basis, I deal with questions about my career and collegiate choice from the people around me. Some questions are sincere curiosity, but others strike with offense and doubt. I know that journalism is termed a "dying industry" -- I know. And I don't need anyone else to tell me that. What I DO need is encouragement. Growing up is scary as hell. But I am doing my absolute best to follow what I believe is God's calling on my life. And although Mizzou is 11 hours away, and although my student loans hit $5,000 and my parent loans stretch up to $12,000, and although my major isn't seemingly successful or adequate for the life everyone else seems to want me to live, and although I am doubted every single day, I am going. I am moving away from this monotonous life of Texan residency to do bigger and better things. Make a name for myself. Write articles that change people's lives. Spread the love of the Lord internationally via numerous mediums of journalistic technology. I've made up my mind: I will succeed. But I have to do my best to ignore the doubts that are thrown at me as well as those that reside in my own mind. Maybe journalism isn't what I'm destined to do, and maybe I'm making a huge mistake....but right now, it feels right. I could care less whether or not my future paychecks hit 6 digits. As long as it covers enough digits to take care of my children, I'm satisfied. I feel no need to achieve wealth in the terms of this world but only in my spiritual endeavors. 1 John 2:15-17 warns us; "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world -- the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions -- is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." From that verse, it is clear that our focus should not lie in materialism but spiritualism. Forget the square footage of your residency or the social status of your persona or the number of carrots in the ring on your finger. Remember the sacrifice of the Lord and his specificity in your creation as well as the infinite love and planning that has gone into His preparation of your destiny, both of this world and of the Heavens. When I think of the future, of course I want to be successful in my career. But I don't feel the need to reach the level of wealth and perfection that others seem to dwell on. I just want to write good pieces and find a sense of love in what I do every day. What matters to me is the impact my profession has on the lives of others, my ability to remain passionate about a career that I hope to hold long-term, and the success of my efforts to embody the life of a Proverbs 31 woman.

John 12:36 says "While you have the light, believe in the light, that you may become sons of light."

I have it, and I believe it.

I am a daughter of the light and I am determined to do what God calls me to do, regardless of the doubt you have.

Confession #2: Life is too short. And expensive.

It has been an extremely sad and somewhat frustrating yet incredibly exciting past few days! I'll start off by explaining the events of this past Thursday, June 21. My high school had an alumnus pass early Thursday morning (or late Wednesday night), Alex Ford. She was coming home from her boyfriend's house and was hit by a car that was driving on the wrong side of the highway (full story can be found here). It was shocking to wake up that morning and see the numerous posts on Facebook as a mood of remorse plagued the entire site. I mean it was insane how many people were truly affected by her death...her family, closest friends, people who hadn't spoken to her in months, kids like me who went to school with her but didn't know her very well, and even current freshmen or sophomores who had never even met her. Everyone was in despair as such a randomly incidental event took the life of such a beautiful and talented girl. Alex cheered at Richland for years and was an amazing gymnast. It's still so surreal to know that she isn't here with us anymore, but I know that Heaven has been blessed by her presence. Rest in peace, sweet girl. Keep Jordan Harris company. You two will live on in our hearts forever.

On a more positive note, yesterday I spent nearly seven hours shopping with my mom. I went out after church at 11:00 just to look for bedding, but I ended up driving about 50 miles to about 10 stores, including 3 different Ross locations. I also managed to squeeze in my second interview at McAlister's and treated mama to lunch! It was a successful day that made me even more excited to move into Mizzou. I really tried to bargain shop and get good deals on everything, and I think I did rather well. As surprising as it may sound, I seriously got probably about 90% of my dorm stuff from Ross. I was shocked to find just about everything I needed there, but I knew I wouldn't be able to find better deals elsewhere.

As you can tell from the picture, I got a whole heck of a lot...and paid extremely reasonable prices for everything! I'm going to go into a bit of detail about all of it, sort of as a means of documentation for me, but if you don't care for the nitty gritty then you are more than welcome to skip to the bottom of this post for the awesome number breakdown.

Dorm supplies:

Silver Waste Basket
Cambridge Casuals 16 pc Silverware Set
Anchor 3 pc Food Storage Container Set
4 Frigoverre Glass Food Storage Containers
4 Rubbermaid Plastic Food Storage Containers
4 Preserve Mini Food Storage Containers
2 White Ceramic Mugs
4 Blue Plastic Glasses
4 Blue Plastic Bowls
4 Blue Plastic Plates
Set of 4 Magnetic Chip Clips
"Shoes Under" Under Bed Storage Aide
Kangaroom Grey Shower Caddy
Apt. 9 Grey Towel Set
Apt. 9 Purple Towel Set
Steve Madden Twin Comforter Set
Esprit Purple Twin XL Sheet Set
Allergy Defense Hypoallergenic Pillow
Grey Plush Throw

Ready for the total?

$190.91!!

I'm seriously so excited that I was able to get all of that for under $200...I can't even explain it to you. If you haven't begun to compare prices on stuff for your dorm, I would suggest you do it ASAP! Kohl's is having a huge sale on kitchenware and towels and such right now, and Ross is a really awesome place if you're willing to search for treasures.

And of course, as a teenage girl, I just HAD to spend a little more money on some non-essentials....

Everything else:

Jac & Annie Black Purse/Book Bag
Nine West Coral Satchel (not pictured)
Sonoma Brown Sandals
Sonoma Poppy Sandals (for my mama)
Merona Black Sandals
ISO Bouncy Curl Cream

But technically those things were somewhat essential. I ran out of hair cream a few days ago and had to use a travel size of product I had stashed...but now I've run out of that. The silver Nine West satchel I use every day is literally being torn apart at the seams and is no longer usable. My brown sandals that I bought from Target about two years ago are also tearing apart at the sole from being worn so often. I also have black sandals from Ross that don't fit me properly (they really never have...) and are extremely uncomfortable so I wanted to replace them. And lastly, I don't have a bag for next year and I didn't wanna buy a classic Jansport backpack... Oh and of course I wanted to bless my mama :)

So that added $97.70, bringing my weekend shopping spree to a grand total of...

$288.61!!

Despite the deals I found, it still pains me a little to know that I've dished out almost $300 over the past two days. But I know that I did dang good considering how big the ticket could have been for that much stuff.

So stoked for the changes to come. Not so stoked to pack all of this in our roomy yet space-lacking Lexus come August 12....yikes.

Here are a few close-ups of the dorm stash in case you couldn't depict items from the general picture...

If you have any questions as to where I got anything or what to buy when, feel free to ask. I'm no expert, but I feel rather "experienced" in the dorm shopping department after yesterday.

I hope everyone has a blessed week!

Confession #1: You don't know what you've got until it's gone -- but you won't mind at all.

I attended summer welcome for the University of Missouri over the weekend. Orientation began on Sunday, June 10, and I met TONS of new people. We were separated into small groups and continually moved from session to session with the same kids in an effort to avoid any sort of crippling awkwardness. It was so much fun and I wish I could relive it again and again! (Of course, that's what college is...) The group leaders were older students at Mizzou who made us feel welcomed and answered any questions we had. They even held a Summer Welcome Revue on Sunday night where the leaders did lip syncs and skits to entertain us. It was really great! I laughed seriously the entire time and everyone did fantastic!! Overall, every single person that helped with any part of the weekend did an amazing job and I couldn't have asked for a better first experience as a Missouri Tiger.

I went into the trip imagining that I wouldn't be able to find myself in the crowd -- that I would miss all of my best friends to an extent that would keep me from opening up to others. But that wasn't the case at all. I mean obviously it was awkward at first to just walk up to random people and be myself, but it got easier throughout the day, and by the last session I had a little group of friends that I hung out and laughed with until about 2 AM. I wasn't struck with coyness and lonely all day. I opened up in a way I didn't expect myself to and made friends - friends that I hope to keep over the next four years. The majority of the kids I met are actually in the same res hall I'm in, which will make it easier to stay connected. I was surprised to find myself not missing my best friends every second of every minute of every hour. I actually didn't think about anyone from back home for the majority of the day. That in itself just showed me how ready I am to move on and get to Mizzou. Don't get me wrong, I am overwhelmingly blessed by the group of friends I have here. I love everyone in Texas and they have helped me to become the person that I am today. Every fight or happiness that I have ever had with my best friends is something that I would never take back -- but at the same time, I am so incredibly ready for my future. To move to a new state and start a new life. To be a Missouri Tiger until 2016 and beyond.

The phrase "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" is full of truth. But, then again, I don't mind saying goodbye. It just gives me room for the future.

And maybe I'm a little bit wrong. Maybe I'm still blinded by excitement and I don't fully understand the hardship that's going to come in August when I move over 500 miles away and see all of my best friends maybe 3 times a year. But for right now, I'm content with this excitement. It keeps me focused and moving forward.

I will always appreciate the old. But I am ready to get on with my new.

Welcome.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog! I decided to go out on a whim and start a page to document the experiences of my collegiate future. The next four years will be full of new experiences for me and I'm sure that I will discover numerous confessions that no one else has the courage to publicize. I'm excited for the fall and I can't wait to share the ups and downs of my journey at Mizzou with you!