Fair warning: this post is basically a giant mash-up of various details of this summer that build onto one another. Bear with me. We'll make it to the "golden nugget" at the end together.
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I guess I should back the story up a bit in order for all of this to actually click together and make sense. School ended in May and I was so ready to get back to Texas and see all of my friends. But within the first two weeks of me being home, I had some boy drama. That actual story is long and pointless and not worth sharing, but the important part of the lesson is this: after struggling with self-doubt for months on end, I finally felt like I had some sort of worth, simply because a boy decided to give me the time of day. That was fun for a while until that boy walked away and I was left feeling worthless and unimportant. Once again, I allowed myself to rely whole-heartedly on a boy to make me happy -- on a person, a human, someone who is flawed and makes mistakes and fails sometimes. He failed to follow through on things and I was put back into the same mindset that had caused a sense of isolation for months before.
At the time, it seemed that I was allowing a pattern to continue, an up-and-down rollercoaster of ignorance and realization. I would fall hard for someone's promises, be let down, pick myself back up, dust off the dirt and pain, put on my best "God is enough for me" face, and forge on. But in reality I've never taken the time to actually understand why and how God IS enough. I parade around with my nose in the air about my life for Christ, but I fail to understand such a fundamental detail of the faith. In reality, there was no pattern, no up and down, no "ah-ha" moments. I had never truly come to a revelation on the upswing -- instead, I remained in the depths and couldn't get myself out.
On June 11, I attended a Hillsong concert with my best friend Megan and absolutely fell in love with the Lord all over again. Meg and I were stoked to have pit seats; we spent three awesome hours encountering Jesus and singing at the top of our lungs and enjoying time in the presence of hundreds of other brothers and sisters in the faith. It was a phenomenal experience that I really cannot put into words. I think that my favorite part of the entire evening was when Joel Houston took the time to pray between songs and speak the Word and encourage everyone to fully hand any struggle, any pain, any heartbreak completely over to the Lord and trust that He was in control. You could just tell that Joel was an incredible dude that you'd wanna sit around with for hours, and talk about God with and hear testimonies from and just enjoy the company. Now that it's been a few weeks, I don't remember exactly what Joel said, but at one point he began to explain the meaning behind Zion, the tour and album title, and what it meant to the members of Hillsong United. Ever since that night, I haven't quite been able to get that moment out of my head. I've enjoyed reading about Mount Zion from the Word and researching the historical context online and forming a meaning behind Zion in my own life.
Mount Zion is first seen in 2 Samuel as a reference for the city of Jerusalem. "Zion" is seen more than 150 times throughout the Bible, sometimes in phrases that are used to reference the Jewish people or the church itself. Personally, there has been one specific chapter relating to Zion that has stuck with me since June 11.
Isaiah 51 is titled "The Lord Comforts Zion" in the ESV translation. That detail alone warms my heart. Comfort is such a crucial part of life -- whether it's being comfortable in yourself, finding comfort in the Lord, or working to comfort others.
Throughout the chapter, the Lord speaks a series of promises over His people, who are referred to collectively as Zion. In verse 16, the Lord says to Zion, "you are my people." I love the fact that the Lord takes ownership over his people like a proud parent would. Which makes logical sense because He is our Father and we are His children -- but sometimes the most obvious details are the most overlooked.
Earlier in the chapter, though, is where I find my favorite verse. Isaiah 51:3 states:
For the Lord comforts Zion;
he comforts all her waste places
and makes her wilderness like Eden,
her desert like the garden of the Lord;
joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the voice of song.
There's something about God referring to Zion with female attributes that stirs a sense of adoration in my heart. When I read that chapter, and that verse specifically, I am comforted by the Lord even more as he uses the word "her." I don't really know why that diction affects me the way that it does, but I seem to relate more to Zion as it is described with femininity. I absolutely love that. The Lord comforts her. He makes her wilderness as perfect as the Garden and in her He instills a sense of joy and gladness.
That verse takes away the feeling of separation I often have from the Lord. That verse rips that separation to shreds, stomps on it with the feet of a giant, and throws it into oblivion with hopes that Alix Carruth never finds that uneasiness again. That verse puts me in the shoes of Zion as the Lord speaks promises of love and comfort over me as an individual.
Love is a powerful thing. It's exciting and wonderful and fabulous and I love love -- if you know me at all, you already knew that. But my obsession with this crucial need for confirmation from other people often brings me more pain than joy. Whether it's romantic or friendly, I tend to rely on love from humans over love from the eternal. When I fail to understand why God IS enough, and how His love for me outweighs everything I could ever imagine, I increase my reliance on other people for satisfaction. Which almost always, without a doubt, leaves me feeling insecure and worse than before.
I am not saying that it is wrong to rely on other people for strength and stability. At all. Building a community around every facet of my life has definitely kept me sane and helped mold me into the person I am today. God intends for us to grow spiritually with the help of others through fellowship; He longs for us to worship together and pray together and serve together. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little romance. But when that yearning for adoration becomes an unhealthy craving for validation and worth, there's a problem. Earthly relationships are extremely important, but they simply cannot be your only source of comfort. There is a God in Heaven who loves you and cares for you and wants to comfort you too.
The biggest purpose of friendship and camaraderie on this Earth is to mimic God's unconditional love and sacrificial spirit. The One who created each of us has set the example on how to love as He loves, comfort as He comforts, and accept as He accepts.
I am lucky enough to have a circle of friends around me who love me unconditionally, comfort my tender heart in times of need, and are willing to sacrifice for my well-being. When they love on me, I can tangibly feel God's love through them. It's a spiritual experience that means more to me than anything else. When I'm being stubborn and failing to recognize how the Father loves me, He never hesitates to utilize the people I hold dearest to shine that light for Him.
The Lord knows my heart inside and out. He knows how to get my attention. He knows where my stubbornness is most prominent and where I'm most susceptible to influence. He wants to give me a sense of joy and gladness -- just like Zion. In my head and in my heart, I am Zion.
I am Zion, and the Lord will comfort me.
