Confession #7: I need you to need me.

All in all, things have gotten significantly better since I last blogged. Mizzou has started to feel like home. I've made even more wonderful friends who are amazing, Godly role models to me every day, and I've created so many memories that I will never forget. College really is some of the best years of your life -- but they're also the toughest.

In the midst of all of the joy that has surrounded me in the past few weeks, I of course continue to struggle with issues that have surfaced in my mind. Today I came to a heavy -- and somewhat distressing -- realization: I rely solely on acceptance and validation from others to define my beauty, worth, and purpose. This idea isn't new to me, as I've dealt with it since middle school as most adolescents do. But the feeling has yet to wear off and lately it's become a serious problem in the way that I build relationships with new friends.

It's no secret that I love the idea of marriage and motherhood. I've blogged about it before, so that's available as a reference. But lately the idea has been present in nearly all of my thoughts -- considering girl friendships in relation to bridesmaids, considering location in relation to where my future home will be, considering boy friendships in relation to possible husbands, everything. It gets in the way of every detail of my life and I'm really sick of the worrying. The nagging, the constant feelings of inadequacy and unimportance that stir within me when one of my beautiful blonde friends gets male attention for the umpteenth time, the worry that my haircut makes me loose any femininity I may have, the idea that I would be prettier if I was just a little bit thinner and an inch or two shorter, the burden that my personality has yet to grow and develop since seventh grade and I still come off as a hateful, spiteful person, the dismay that comes with feeling like I am not good enough. I am continually plagued with the fear that I will never receive the validation, love, and comfort I so desperately desire from other people.

Tonight, as I walked around my room and cleaned up a bit after dinner, I laid this burden down on the Lord. I cried and sobbed and spoke to him for a solid 30 minutes, confessing my fears and weaknesses and struggles. I had a revealing heart-to-heart with the one man who can help set me straight -- the one man that will love me unconditionally, faithfully, unfailingly, eternally. The one man who will never once let me down.

Honestly, I don't have many moments like that -- moments where I completely and whole-heartedly open my soul to the Lord and pour out to Him. Moments where I don't attempt to hide behind my hard-shell exterior in an effort to come off unbroken and unwavering. Moments where I allow the Lord to stir my heart for Him and no one else.

The Bible is full of verses that explain God's love for us, but there are three key points outlined in the books of Psalm, Matthew, and Galatians that provide me with the first steps in dealing with my struggle to understand that the only person in this world who will ever be able to fill my heart with a sense of completion and purpose is the Lord.

1. My creation was thought out in such a marvelous manner that I will never truly understand the depth of love my God has for me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:13-16

2. God does not care for the material possessions of this world, for we are not of this world.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

3. The favor of God far outweighs the favor of man -- and it is impossible to devote myself to both whole-heartedly.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
- Galatians 1:10

The abilities of our God are unfathomable. If we reflect on the power He has in this world, how can we doubt the power He has in us? Trust in Him and we will find freedom. I must trust in Him to find my freedom.

After I wiped my tears, cleaned my glasses, and resumed homework on my computer, I felt a sense of peace. I opened Spotify and clicked on my "Jesus" playlist, as I often do in times of weakness and emotional vulnerability. Kari Jobe sang words into my mind that calmed my soul and reassured me that the Lord holds every answer I crave. Every validation I desire. Every acceptance I need. Every confirmation I could ever imagine.

Trouble's chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God, I'm looking for You

Weary, just won't let me rest

Fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God, I'm longing for You

I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith?

And what if heartache still remains?

I'll trust You

My God, I'll trust You

'Cause You are faithful

And I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaking

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God, I know that

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

Find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

If I want others to love me, I must first acknowledge that my Father loves me.

And His love is all that I need.