Confession #13: It's okay not to be okay.

The past seven months of my life have been filled with continual change and constant adjustment. Moving states, making new friends, changing schools, digging into my major, having my heart broken, building a church community, all of it. It’s been one giant struggle that’s sparked a lot of joy but also an immense amount of pain. I’ve blogged about this topic before, but lately my maternal aches of longing and loneliness have grown even more intense since this semester began. Instead of being excited for the future, I am often nervous and worried that my chances at happiness are completely passing me by. I’ve tried so hard to run away from it, to find joy again and to stop feeling so lost. But I never succeed. Instead, I remain lonely, wanting and confused.

I’ve never been one to feel void of my own identity. I’ve typically felt rather secure in who I am, comfortable with both the negatives and positives of my character. Of course we all have things we wish to change about ourselves, but it’s never really been a major battle for me.

Ever since January, I’ve felt defenseless. I haven’t prepared myself for this battle or the solitude that accompanies it. For feeling so lost and unequipped…for the ridicule, the judgment and the insecurity.

At home in North Richland Hills, my friends knew me. And I mean really knew me. I’ve had the same basic support system since seventh grade. Friends who have watched me grow into a much kinder woman, a woman of leadership and faith and confidence. My closest friends understood my affectionate side and my sassy side. They knew how much I emphasized touch and hugs and admiration, and they knew how to deal with my lack of patience and controlling tendencies. Those friends were and will forever be my home. The place I know that I belong.

But since moving to Missouri, it’s been hard to find that home again. It’s hard to explain to people how much family means to me, how much I want to be a mother, how much I do believe in true and everlasting love despite the experiences life has plagued me with over the years. It’s hard to be judged and misunderstood and outspoken. It’s been a constant battle, both inwardly and outwardly, since moving here, but it’s intensified in the past few weeks. I’ve struggled to overcome the trial and to hurry up past this point and get over it. To be comfortable again with who I am and get over my obsession with marriage and motherhood. But I never questioned why…why do I want to get over it? Why is it not okay to feel this way? Why is it not socially acceptable to have this mindset? Why is it such a foreign idea?

Today, my sweet friend Marisa shared a blog with me from a fellow Christian who understands my confliction. He described that loneliness is a way of God manifesting himself and allowing His voice to be heard in our lives. The blogger emphasized how desires like this have to be brought to the Lord and spent time on – that it’s okay to “rest in that longing…that solitude, that stillness, that stretch. Allow God to transform your ache. Don’t run from it – own it.”

I sat in awe as I read about a man who finally gave me the answer I needed. It’s not okay to feel this way because society does not understand it. Society is of this world – materialistic, confused and fallen. Marriage is no longer sacred, families are torn apart every day, and motherhood is a chapter of life that comes earlier and earlier to teens each year.

But in God’s eyes, this struggle is perfectly acceptable. This trial is calculated, specific and indispensable. The aches are a great opportunity for God to work in my life and build and build and build me into the woman, wife and mother He needs me to be. For my husband, my children and my family.

I have to stop rushing. I have to stop running from Him, running from myself, and running from the pain. It hurts sometimes, and it’s lonely and critical and hard nearly every day. But it’s purposeful. I know for a fact that I will treasure my husband so much more if I’ve gone through such an intense trial to get to him.

Society can tell me what it wants to. My peers can laugh at my aspirations, not understand my outlook, or completely disagree with my priorities. But they’re there for a reason, and they aren’t going anywhere. God has planted this desire into my heart at such a young age in order to transform me into a Proverbs 31 woman of courage, faith and affection.

Today I learned that it’s okay to be lonely. It’s okay to be silent and listening. It’s okay to be where I am and to not really know where life is going. And it is 100% without a doubt okay to want to share my life with a family in a future that God creates.